This post originally appeared on our old blog Born to be a Bride.
It’s been an interesting year, to say the least. I can’t complain about a moment, because even the harder parts were necessary in order to get to the good stuff. After falling in love with Texas, we had to leave, and what followed were some dark emotional days for this predominantly sunny gal. Then, medical complications led to surgery which led, miraculously, to pregnancy… and the anxiety started to wash away. But no matter how incredible these past 9 months have been, all of this awesome change begs some contemplation on my part.
Leaving for Dallas meant turning down an offer for my absolute dream job as beauty director for a well established magazine. And then, having reinvented myself as a jewelry copywriter for a well-known retail powerhouse in Dallas, and making a salary I was truly proud of that allowed me not only to contribute to our bills but spoil myself and my husband with treats, it was hard to move again and start from scratch. This town is not an easy one for the fashion writer. We did the math and on an editor’s salary, plus commute, we’d be barely breaking even on childcare if I were to have continued at my full-time pay rate in DC. I’ve secured some fantastic freelance work this fall which put money in my pocket and a pep in my step, but I’m winding down all assignments for now so I can focus all my attention on the baby when she arrives.
So here I am, a college-educated journalist with a half-written novel, a head full of ideas, and a to-do list on which the editorial responsibilities are predominantly eclipsed by Target buys, recipes to try, and UPS runs that need to be made before the baby comes. My becoming an accidental housewife for this fall and upcoming winter is not only hard on my spirit, I know it’s also frustrating for Josh, who is proud of the work that I do and hates hearing me whine.
With my daughter’s arrival pending (every time I go to the doctor they make it seem like it could be moments away, but here I am puffy and waiting… could be tomorrow, could be two weeks from now), I know this moment is a gift. It’s the universe giving me a mandatory break from the rat race before we make our next set of plans and I go back to working at least 75% of the time. As I take a pregnant pause, despite the complicated emotions I have about it, I thought I would share with you some honesty on the subject.
Being a bride is all about beauty, love, and fun. Being married, sometimes, means making sacrifices. You are no longer steering your own ship with the only passengers being your body, your ego, and your future. You have a co-captain and you take turns. Sometimes, one career is in the spotlight while the other has to hang back and wait out its turn. Then you become parents and everything goes completely upside-down. I don’t know yet what that will look like but all I can do is wait.
I love my husband now more than I ever did, and when I see him holding our daughter I anticipate that feeling growing even stronger, larger, and more consuming. We’re a team. And every moment won’t be perfect, but even as I find myself a temporary housewife, I’ll seek out the meaning and beauty in every day. Life is like a river that just keeps on flowing… you can try very hard to stay in the same place, but new parts will constantly wash over you. My husband and I? We choose to go where the water takes us.